Liminality: A Participation Essay

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Here I am in a liminal space, possibly in between, yet again. The work that I did is done, and the most important thing to remember is what that work did to me and for me. I do believe my experience with the work brought me deeper into my own Trueness, and to this place where I now walk. I was good at what I did. What made me good? Short answer, diligence. And that diligence was critical in the forming of a methodology to which I gave my energy; a methodology built on the foundational commitment to the individual’s Trueness.

After finally completing the last essay entitled Seeker, I was feeling rather certain it would be the last of my writing. Even journaling seemed to wane, and when I did make entries they seemed to resemble Dear Diary scribblings. Anne Lamott’s writing made me hunger for regular writing again, as well as providing great comfort in my own humanity. It seems I need writing more than ever. There’s no doubt journaling over the years has been a release and a processor for my mind/heart and soul/spirit. The result has been an evolution in the work of a calling, the letting go of belief systems, practicing breathing prayer, and a more contemplative way of being. This essay has been hanging on to me. I’m truly in a space that feels the tension of being in between. But it’s probably more accurate to say—borrowing Connie Zweig’s term—I’m moving from role to soul.

A Literal Threshold
I’ve stood at a threshold or two in my life, some significant, some maybe not so significant. At the beginning of the second semester of the fifth grade, I was about to enter the fifth elementary school that I attended; Florida, then Mississippi, back to Florida, and back again to Mississippi. I’ve never forgotten standing at the literal threshold of that 5th Grade class.

My mother had taken me to the office for new student processing, and then a staff member walked me to a classroom. She left me standing there alone, the door at the rear, so that I was looking at the backs of all the students, until the teacher said, “Class, we have a new student.” At that point they all turned around and looked as I stood there in Sunday shirt and pants, wingtips, and trench coat. All simply stared, except one. He got up, walked back to where I was, took my coat, hung it up, and led me to the nearest open desk. Steve became one of the best friends in my entire life. He walked me across that literal threshold into an open space in the row and a wide open space in his young, pure heart.

Liminal Space
When I think back on my early writing, or when my desire to be a writer morphed into an actual commitment to write, I’m a bit amazed at the quantity of words placed on pages, not to mention those assembled into books. The biggest surprise in all this, and tremendous blessing, was the poetry that issued forth; rhythmic expression that I suppose was within all along.

In recalling all this I must honor the loving and supportive individuals as pen moved across page. There is Becky first and foremost—loving partner in life and all things. Fellow writer Mayra who reads and encourages in one swath of love. Dan—spiritual brother—who is the spark demanding more poetic flame. And of course, at the beginning of the commitment were Pam and Susan in our small and caring writing group.

When I first began writing with regularity, I admit I felt as if I were acting, playing a role as a writer—faking it a bit, or maybe a lot. When I dedicated the year 2009 to a daily process of creating my first book, it was in large part because of Gordon. Gordon is a minister with whom I was privileged to work when I coached a group of pastors in honoring their own Trueness in their respective calling. In 2008, Gordon challenged me to go off alone somewhere for a few days and find the topic calling at me, and consequent flow that would give me that first book. His graciousness did not end there. As I worked on the manuscript throughout that year, Gordon met with me, reading sections and encouraging my voice.

I vividly recall one of our meetings, where upon completing a reading, he handed it back and said, “I don’t hear your voice in this. Go and rewrite it.” I thought the first time someone (other than Becky) would do such would crush me, but I was thrilled. Love was tangibly exhibited in straightforward care. Clearly, I am my own harsh critic. But then I haven’t met true crushers as my books have been self-published.

So what does writing have to do with liminality, or liminal space? For me, a great deal. Whether it’s been through personal journaling, blogging, or writing in five volumes of what I called my Business Journal, the act of writing has assisted me in processing through many changes. The studies associated with the experiences about which I write have taken me deep into my own being. I have used what I learned to assist others through work I allowed to evolve. So, is now the opportunity to contemplate what is next? I’ve resisted answering this question because of any obsession with doing. But maybe it’s okay to hold for a bit what I now know about my own Trueness; holding these two commitments:

Peace and quiet in being (mind/heart & soul/spirit).
Care (Mother Earth—all creation & Love—anti-violence).

Study to Show …
When I was in the corporate setting, I studied to be prepared for what was to follow: training on something new; kicking off a project; process improvement; trying to become better as a leader. But now? I suppose my study is about being more present to what is … reality. In corporate life, there’s this thing known as due diligence. In my experience it was used mostly around migrations, consolidations, and mergers. After all these years I believe it basically meant get your act together before you do anything really stupid. 

In writing, I suppose the lack of due diligence would be not honoring the writing process. That is how I began. I thought someone who launched out to do what I did was supposed to write a book. Anne Lamont teaches about shitty first drafts. My first attempt didn’t even qualify for that label. So I quit, for a while. Thankfully I discovered Write by Karen Peterson. In her instructive book I learned the importance of the writing process—having little to do with producing a manuscript. So I focused with what was more natural for me, study. Study and practice.

As Anne Lamont says, good writers are also good readers. This is where diligence comes in for me. As Becky once answered, when someone asked if Jeff reads a lot, “No, Jeff Studies.” To me, diligence and study are one and same. And clearly in my experience, it has been study that has given me the strength to move words from the journey onto the page. This act may never mean anything to anyone else, but has been life sustaining for me. However, in reading Cole Arthur Riley’s book, This Here Flesh, I’ve been brought to the realization that my study/diligence has become an act of savoring; tasting the flavor and spice in a writer’s ability with word and page.

Up to this point, I believed my study was, at least in part, about discovering what is still left for me to do. I remember telling my dear friend Dan that what may be left to do will have to come to me. I will not journal—or study—my way to it. And then it occurred to me that I’ve given quite enough. If I never do anything else, I did good work. I gave up security to a calling, narrowed my focus, and loved individuals. So, if nothing comes to me, fine. But if it does, that’s fine as well.

I have been reminded that my own center is timeless, and of the work I’ve done (study & practice) that led me to a more vivid consciousness of this timelessness. I know I am ready to get back to writing, for it is important to my journey. And somewhere, someday, it will be important to someone; I hope.

I’m not sure there’s a Steve to lead me to where I need to be. Maybe standing in this liminal doorway is where I need to be.

Trust the Mystery

The mystery of impact,
a paradox hard to hold,
being who I am
doing what I do,
to what end?

The answer held truly
by the one, herself
by the one, himself
read aloud in their own lives.

In the theater of my life,
I stand somewhere between
the second and final acts,
scenes replaying and lovingly teaching.

Youth now walks behind me,
but deserted me it has not.
Its diligence dutiful and due,
its design served adequately.

From the words of life & living,
a manuscript evolving,
my impact unfolding in the chapters,
written by others
finally by me being read.

And read I do
often and openly.
no longer hiding,
impact embracing,
the mystery holding,
the mystery holding me.

Notes & Influences:

Lamott, Anne. Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life. New York: Anchor Books, 1994.

Peterson, Karen E. Write: 10 Days to Overcome Writer’s Block. Period. Avon, Massachusetts: Adams Media, 2006.

Lamott, Anne. Dusk, Night, Dawn: On Revival and Courage. New York, New York: Riverhead Books, 2021.

Zweig, Connie. The Inner Work of Age: Shifting from Role to Soul. Rochester, Vermont: Park Street Press, 2021.

Riley, Cole Arther. This Here Flesh: Spirituality, Liberation, and the Stories That Make Us. London: Holder & Stoughton, 2022.

Seeker: A Participation Essay

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For more time than seems proper to confess, I’ve struggled with the ups and downs of a somewhat depressive state. And, it’s been several years since I had, what I label as, my spiritual breakdown. It was at that break where I rejected most everything I’d been falsely taught about Christianity. I was angry, resentful, hurt, and simply thoroughly pissed off.

Since then, I’ve devoted massive amounts of energy to study that released me from such false teaching and belief, and redirected my consciousness to Truth; and Trueness, my own and others.

The breakdown occurred right in the middle of the span of years so important to my evolution to where I am now. The importance has to do with moving away from Mississippi and all rhetoric that surrounded me. I was not born racist, but I was raised within racism. It was not a natural thing to see difference, but I was taught/influenced to do so throughout my growing years. I do not like the truth this exposes; I resent this. I do not want to be resentful—of anything—so it’s time to truly let it go.

After almost 30 years away, we are back in Mississippi. It was my home. Is it again? I do love it; like a friend you know is very good at heart but has a history that so unfortunately includes hate. There is so much opportunity for so much better. But will we get there? And, what is my role now—in a so-called evolved state?

Caring friends providentially directed me to several trusted teachers (in print) in the years since the spiritual break: Green, Rohr, Keating, Merton, Crossan, McLauren, and others. My point is that I now question what to do with all to which I’ve been opened, to all I’ve learned through diligent reading, and how I’ve allowed what I’ve experienced to influence my writing. Who have I become? What does all this mean? What have I learned about myself? About God? About Jesus? About the Great Spirit? About the Great Mystery? About The Word?

And, am I still being called forward into … something? I don’t know.

“The highest revelation of divinity (on Earth) is through the natural world—Earth is physical divinity—the divine feminine principle of God. To honor nature is to honor God.”

—Mayra Porrata

All this processing set the stage for something that happened on one of my daily walks. But first, let me add that I know two things: One—There’s something calling at me about being a part of peacemaking (anti-racism) and reparation. Two—Finding a role in reparation with the Mother; our wonderful Earth. Now to the something that happened.

I was on that morning walk along my normal trek on a hot day. For the most part, if I meet or see someone along the way, they are familiar. But at one point I looked up and saw a man coming toward me I didn’t recognize. It was, in my reflection, almost like he just appeared. As he came closer I noticed his gait was a bit off and that he reminded me of a service recipient of the organization where I was on the Board; serving adults with intellectual and mental disabilities. When near enough, I fixed my attention on two specific things, his crooked teeth and the engaging smile that made one look past the crookedness.

As he got to me he stopped, pulled the earbud from his left ear, didn’t say hello, but straightforwardly asked, Do you like the sun? What a strange question I thought. I didn’t know how to respond, so I said, No. I felt uncomfortable with my abrupt response, so I explained that I preferred a sunny day when it was not so hot. At this point it’s important to note that this gentleman is an African American. He then began to tell me how creation had begun in Africa. The first people were black, that they went into the caves when it got cold. As they lived in caves for generations, their melatonin lightened and that’s where white folks came from—from black people.

All through this he constantly pointed at his skin on his left arm. But here’s the thing I cannot forget, what he said to me with each pointing; “It’s not your fault.”

I think he was real. The experience was, and remains, very surreal. He also said to me as he ended his sermon; “Your mood is Saturn.” This sort of freaked me out. I had to look that up to fully understand why. Now I’m not one to be into astrology, but Saturn is in retrograde, and what I read about definitely described my mood, and my depression. But, back to It’s not your fault. I’ll never forget this experience, this meeting along the path. I’ll process the possible message/meaning for a long time. I’m certain this sudden encounter holds meaning for the call I feel toward peacemaking, anti-racism, reparation, and creation.

There’s an encouragement in this encounter. I just have to find it.

Seeker

Along a path known,
meeting a soul not known,
or maybe always known.
For the knowing, not of mind
but of heart, preexisting oneness.

Both black and white
skin equally shimmering
in the heat and humidity
of our summer morning
in this, our Mississippi.

At the specific gazing,
seeing better the whole.
At the whole looking,
cherishing more the one.

As normal as anyone,
always seemingly looking
everywhere but the present,
I need to be special,
simply who I am.

Transformation continues,
way before past regret
and well beyond future fear
into now of who I am
and who together we are.

What did I miss?
A few days after the encounter with the man and his question and message, and still contemplating both, I was once again walking. I ran across yet another person I’d never seen. She was about to set up some devices for either video or survey, I couldn’t quite tell. I spoke and she asked me if her setup would be in the way for anyone. Due to my familiarity with the park, I assured her she would not be in the way where she was. Once again, there was an engaging smile. Our brief interchange was delightful. I felt as if I could’ve stayed a while and talked with her. And once again, I must point out that she is African American.

As I walked away, the question came at me like a bus; What did I miss?

Should I had taken the time to talk with her, what might I have learned? As I walked I asked myself about many others with skin of another color. If I could go back in time, ask and listen, what would I discover that I missed? I thought about how we enslaved Africans, gave them Christianity, and watched them become better Christians than we. What if I talked with those of color and deep faith? Would I learn what I have missed, and would such knowledge enrich my path? I know it would.

I hadn’t seen Sophia, one of my regular friends on my daily walks, for several months. I was in the local grocery just the other day and turned down an isle and practically ran into her. I was elated. Sophia was a parks and recreation employee. She had resigned six months prior and I did not know. Seeing her reminded me of that experience of the gentleman telling me that it’s not my fault. That was almost a year ago as I finalize work on this essay. Sophia’s kind presence reminded me just how fantastically blessed I have been to have known through my work the beautiful souls from most every color on this, our Earth.

It seems strange for me to type what follows, but the truth of the moment is that I feel like getting lost somewhere with the Earth, and not participating any longer in society, or societal issues. The further truth is that effectively, since the beginning of the pandemic, I’ve already become somewhat of a non-participant. The question then becomes, Will this change?

Notes & Influences:

Good Feather, Doug. Think Indigenous: Native American Spirituality for a Modern World. Carlsbad, California: Hay House, 2021.

Magee, Rhonda V. The Inner Work of Racial Justice: Healing Ourselves and Transforming Our Communities Through Mindfulness. New York, NY: Penguin, 2019.

Hanh, Tich Nhat. Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life. New York, NY: Bantam, 1991.

Perry, Imani. South to America: A Journey Below the Mason-Dixon to Understand the Soul of a Nation. New York, NY: HarperCollins, 2022.

Return: A Participation Essay

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After my last essay fifteen months prior, I began working on this. Basically the only thing produced—properly composed—in this time span was the title and the poem at the end. What does return mean? My dear friend Mayra says it well:

“… I want to share some information regarding the larger spiritual transformation that’s upon us—and how this will radically alter how you think, as well as naturally expand your ability to operate from love (not fear).” —Mayra Porrata

From love, not fear. And this was our beginning, your beginning. Our only hope, for anything good, is a return to love. As Mayra makes clear in this newsletter issue, the return is a transition that will include pain, disorienting spans of time, and grief. It should include these things. The return must be navigated intentionally with these things.

Return home to the You that has been since the beginning.

Pure Presence (Going Home)
All my life, here and there, I’ve heard it said, “You can’t go home again.” I’ve assumed this means that if you return it won’t be the same home you left. In that sense I would have to agree. I’ve gone home to my claimed hometown more than once. And yes, a lot changed. But was it enough change? Was it the right change?

A return to the love from which you came is a return home. It may be the only going home where one can find all just as it was left. Sit with that for a bit.

My journey back home, my return to love, began when we left that geographical home. I was 36. We lived away for 29 years, and in that span new challenges in my work, fresh experiences, and most of all, beautifully diverse interactions and relationships took hold on my seeing.

Cultural conditioning began to unravel as my view expanded beyond myopic ways of looking at many wide-ranging subjects. While some of this was indeed freeing, I would be a liar if I said some of this was not also threatening. Of course the only thing in danger were old beliefs serving nothing of value, narcissism, an ego fighting for its existence, and fear-driven expectations blocking truth.

“Isn’t this the 21st Century?” (A Violent Flow)
Watching the news about Putin’s violence and the invasion of Ukraine, I saw a brief interview of a young Ukrainian woman. It was her incredible question that I cannot get out of my head and heart; “Isn’t this the 21st Century?” Yes, have we learned nothing? Unfortunately, it would seem so.

This reminds me of something I wrote in the Essay on Compassion:

Becky and I were coming home from a pandemic-get-out-of-the-house outing, driving home via the beautiful Natchez Trace that runs right by our neighborhood. I was looking straight ahead as I drove, seeing a paved Parkway curving through lovely land and beautiful trees declaring the season. It occurred to me all this was built, and made, on a sphere suspended in the space of a galaxy, itself spinning and moving within a great Universe. Followed by a thought of how stupid we as humans behave on this tiny round speck in a grand Universe — a magnificent, sprawling territory of infinite possibility; possibility squandered by our lack of ability to see miraculous beauty and endless opportunity.

And yet we still ‘war’ and squander opportunity to be at peace with each other.

My Return to the Mother
June 2005 is the month I’ve labeled as my spiritual breakdown; an angry rant seemingly against everything I’d been taught. Truthfully, not quite everything. But honestly, a whole lot I’d been led to believe within a compromised and narrow understanding of Christianity. Blessedly for me, and those served through my work, we have a wise and wonderful friend. Beth is not just a wonderful friend but also a loving pastor. In that very month of June, she shared with me some reading to console me in my broken state. As my wife once said to one of my employees, “Jeff doesn’t read. He studies.”

In my contemplative studies of the past 17 years I’ve been very mindful of what I’ve come to believe is the ‘sin’ of the world, violence. And thanks to some of those I’ve studied, like John Dominic Crossan, I’ve become very conscious of the flow of this sin: Ideological violence—Rhetorical violence—Physical violence. If one uses God to justify violence—be it ideological, rhetorical, or physical—then that one doesn’t worship God, that one uses a god he’s created to serve his own ignorant, narcissistic means.

If one prescribes to one particular religion, or one way to worship, because it justifies the exclusion of others, then this one doesn’t understand religion at all. While religion has been used to control, manipulate, and keep others within borders (real or perceived), true religion is based on inclusion and bringing together.

And if you’re a Christian, as I remain with great grieving difficulty, and you support hate, war, and any other form of violence, then you do so in direct opposition to Jesus who came to show us our freedom in love. While it would be convenient to justify myself by placing blame on something, or some others, for my own complicity in violence—be it in thought, word, or deed—that would only deepen the false protection in the Cult of Innocence (see Brian Mclauren’s book in Notes & Influences).

When the beginning is right, the rest is made considerably easier. —Richard Rohr

So as I’ve deeply considered the love from which I came, I’ve been recalling many scenes from my life; the beautiful ones always containing my organic devotion to nature. I walk every day that I possibly can, and when I can, I hike for miles in the woods along the Natchez Trace Parkway. When living in Northeast Tennessee, Becky and I hiked stunning trails in the Tennessee, Virginia, and North Carolina mountains. I fly fished the many streams and rivers. Most every day that I walk I see in my mind and heart the wonderful pasture sloping gently upward behind our house when I was a child on that dairy farm. While the world may be frustrating for all and dangerous for many, I love the Earth. I love the Mother.

So I’ve decided to return to the Mother to know and be one with all that is, that was created as Good. For my life & living in the world, I’m navigating back to the beginning; a child who understood Earth’s goodness and was shown the loving, non-violent, unlimited inclusive ways of Jesus.

Mississippi 

Summer cicadas
a chorus pass
tree to tree
In June
it’s rehearsal
by July
it’s performance
in August
it’s celebration

And so it goes
beauty
one form or another
available
on what I choose
to behold

Attention I do pay
it’s the remuneration
of presence

The pottery of presence
is still being purified
in the furnace fire
of suffering, grief, joy

To a land
one can belong
selected it seems
from the beginning

And those in the land
can be led awry
by a narrative false
away from the story true

Ignorance blissful
I now doubt
’tis just ignorance

Stands taken
on ground unreal
blind inhabitants
dangerous to all

With guilt I must release
the stupid complicity
and opinions misleading
in directions away from truth

This particular land cares not
it is one with the Mother
one with each of us

This particular land
a name given
from a great flow
and a divine, earthly people

This illustrious home
where Mississippi Kites
fly high
beauty and grace
demonstrably abound
patiently soaring far
above who we think
we are

So, a choral presentation
beautiful song without words
a most meaningful verse
the golden in silence

Notes & Influences:

Porrata, Mayra. TheFlourishingWay.com – Ohio: Copyright © 2022 Mayra Porrata, LLC. (You, only better! Newsletter, Issue #13)

Rohr, Richard. Center for Action and Contemplation

Crossan, John Dominic. How to Read the Bible and Still Be a Christian: Struggling with Divine Violence from Genesis through Revelation. New York: Harper Collins, 2015.

McLauren, Brian. Do I Stay Christian?: A Guide For The Doubters, The Disappointed, And The Disillusioned. New York: St. Martin’s Essentials, 2022.

Moore, Osheta. Dear White Peacemakers: Dismantling Racism With Grace And Grit. Harrisonburg, Virginia: Herald Press, 2021.

Postlude (if you’re interested):

This is how I say what we know as The Lord’s Prayer (thanks to my study with John Dominic Crossan, and of course the likes of Fr. Rohr, Fr. Green, Fr. Keating, etc.). Here is that prayer with my mind/heart knowing in parenthesis:

Our Father
(Householder of Earth — to me, Mother and Father)
who art in heaven
(Jesus’ message is that the Kingdom of God/Heaven is already here)
Hallowed be thy Name
(Our mere breath in and out speaks this unspeakable name – YaHWeH)
Thy Kingdom come
(Distributive Justice and Restorative Righteousness—earth belongs equally to all, no matter what)
Thy will be done
(Love, pure and simple)
As in Heaven, so on earth
(Heaven is ours to live, Now)
Give us this day our daily bread
(In this Kingdom, this earth, and in a community of Love, we must want/worry not) (The Earth, and all on it, is not Rome’s, it is God’s)
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors
(Forgiveness of debt was a command in Judaism—the land is God’s—this had nothing to do with sin … rather, Jubilee years)
And lead us not into temptation
(Keep us from counter violence)
But deliver us from evil
(Violence IS the evil; and the flow is Ideological Violence to Rhetorical Violence to Physical Violence)
For Thine is the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory, for ever.
Amen

 

Pianissimo: A Participation Essay

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Four years my senior, my brother was very athletic and team oriented as he navigated his school years. I was not. He played virtually every sport offered and available, and was good at each one. At some point along the way he decided to be musical as well. That, however, quickly ended with a trumpet stored away in a closet. When I entered junior high our dad came to me and said, “You’re going to take band, and you’re going to play the trumpet.” He pulled the quieted instrument out of the closet and handed it to me.

So I played trumpet in the band throughout my junior high and high school years. I remain grateful for the opportunity. Music was something I enjoyed, the playing of it. I loved to play new pieces placed in front of me as part of sight-reading exercises. While I may not have realized it then, I now know those times of intense exercises as practice in being present with the piece and navigating with the guides of the musical terms placed throughout.

Navigating
Pianissimo is a dynamic term in a score of music instructing the musician to play softly and proceed quietly. Yes, there are many other such musical terms while navigating a scored piece, but this one has always stood out for me. In a particularly well written score, I always loved the change toward soft and quiet that highlighted the previously stronger play or the section about to follow. It was pianissimo that set up my learning to use silence and quiet in my work as a salesman, coach, and consultant. And now, silence continues to implore me to walk more softly and proceed through the quiet of spirit.

On morning meditative walks, I’ve been cycling through thoughts about work, both from the past and into the future. And there lies the rub; the future. My last coaching session was in August of the year prior. I entered that year with only a handful of sessions to complete, work that had begun in the year before. I backed away from pursuing new gigs as COVID-19 began its worldwide threat. So, Retired? It would appear so.

Almost a year after the beginning of the pandemic, I was compelled to pick up, once again, David Whyte’s, The Heart Aroused: Poetry and Preservation of the Soul in Corporate America. After reading chapter one I realized I didn’t pick it up to seek guidance on the future, but to better honor the past.

“Looking over the centuries of human struggle commemorated in poetry, a man or woman often seems to begin the journey to soul recovery in this very lonely place of self-assessment. The uninitiated might call it depression.” — David Whyte

Out of retired boredom, I suppose, I’m on the board of our homeowner’s association. I chair its maintenance committee. I also led the search for a new maintenance supervisor for the buildings and the grounds. A perfect fit was found in a young man who grew up in the neighborhood. As part of his on-boarding, we were able to keep the retiring supervisor on part time for the next year. Within the new supervisor’s first three months, there was a particular issue that would set up an important conversation.

A resident asked for a tree on common ground (that the HOA maintains) to be removed. The tree was old, damaged, with limbs threatening the resident’s home. I told the new supervisor to bring in our outside tree people to remove it. The retiring employee talked him into doing it themselves. The home was damaged. Our new supervisor was not happy. So when he and I had a chance to talk, I told him that we live and learn, and I talked about transition; how our former supervisor was in transition to retirement—a challenge I perfectly understood—and how he also was in transition. Seven years earlier he transitioned from college to his first job, where he was until coming to us when the organization he worked for closed. Now he was in yet another transition, and I challenged him to be more conscious in the navigation. 

Rhyme and Recovery
Pianissimo is about transitioning. Too often, when something ends, we rush into what it is we perceive as new. We are ready to move on, to get on with it. We are smart, right? We should know what to do, especially if we are older and more experienced.

Trueness. Such was my work for the past 20 years, maybe longer. Some days I miss the work around this purpose of Trueness that pulled and pushed me forward. But the work of Trueness in me still goes on, and I suppose it will for the remainder of my days. As I’m rounding through all this thinking about work, I know I’m only a couple of steps away from declaring depression. But it really doesn’t feel like depression (coming from someone who has been there). It simply feels empty.

I know I’ve had a good run at work, a run with many different experiences. I’ve had varying and diverse experience with relationships along the way; some close (at least for a time) and some not so close, but meaningful nonetheless. I’ve had a positive impact on many an individual (I also know I stumbled relationally now and then). And I realize work has been instrumental in my full evolution, allowing learning all along the way. I’ve navigated one transition then another.

The path toward Sage
Time I cannot stop
Paused, I can make it feel so

But important it is
To know time
Not as an enemy
But a friend

For in time
There is experience
The building of knowledge

In a series of novels I read, there is an old, wise Native American named Henry. I long to be like him. My hope for quiet, steady days is really desire for a quiet, steady spirit within myself; to move among my days remaining as slowly, deliberately, kindly, gently, and most of all, lovingly as the fictional Henry.

In my work as a coach I know I became, for some, a sage; at least of sorts. But what about now? Questions about work I keep asking. Is there more work for me to do? Is there something left of this call that guided me for many years? This sense, maybe even desire, I have of a sage; what do I do with it? Am I being called into a new work? A new level of work? Is it a call and movement into deeper participation? I’m not sure of much right now. Or am I?

It’s difficult recovering from a calling and a career. I think they call this retirement. I think this is known as transition.

Following is a poem with rhyme. I don’t normally write such, as free verse seems to be my better fare. Rhyming often feels forced. But this one seemed to need rhyme to speak properly, or maybe I needed the work in finding rhyme and rhythm as the poem worked on me. It would seem so.

The Path’s Score

Life’s score, now at a place
deep within instructed.
Play at a calmer pace
freedom, less conducted.

Melody once sought
to purchase, once thought.
The play, now demands
calmness in commands.

Written in the score
the values implore,
and spirit proceeds.
And my soul agrees.

It is time for meaning
in everything that’s done
acts of love, redeeming.
Believing all, as one.

All As One
Dan, my father-in-law, can do anything. Literally, in my view, he can do anything. I’ve seen it; welding, refrigeration, electrical wiring, and especially the elite woodwork of a craftsman. He can do it all, all self-taught. I’ve known and watched him for 47 years now. Over the years I’ve not only watched him, but been a helper on many occasions. And throughout all the work, we’ve shared observations, and stories. He is now 88 and I’m 66, and recently he shared a story that I couldn’t believe I’d not previously heard.

My wife’s parents live outside the city of Vicksburg, Mississippi. It is known as the bluff city, hilly with, what we know as, gullies (mountain areas have valleys, hilly areas have gullies). One day, many years ago, he came home from his work at the International Paper Company, where he performed many of his diverse, skilled miracles. The outside edge of their garage was a shear drop of at least six feet. The siding of the garage rested on the ledge of the concrete footing, and on that ledge was a large dog. The dog had somehow managed to get onto that footing and obviously couldn’t get down. He perched there shaking like a leaf, terrified.

Dan went and got a board from his lumber stack, placed it at the ledge so the dog could have a path to safely come down, which he did. Upon hitting the solid ground, he trotted off down the road. Dan headed to the backyard on normal after work business. He heard something behind him, and turned to find the dog had returned. The dog simply stood on his back legs and placed his front ones on my dad’s chest—as if to say, Thank you. And once again trotted off home.

Notes:

Whyte, David. The Heart Aroused: Poetry and the Preservation of the Soul in Corporate America. New York: Doubleday, 1994.

Krueger, William Kent. The Cork O’Conner series. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2009-2021.

Compassion: A Participation Essay

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Three Masters
Best I can remember, I was about ten years old when my Dad came home with her. She was a mixed-breed, black, brown, and white beauty. I named her Snoopy. Yes, I actually taught her how to lay on top of her doghouse. She was an ‘outside’ dog and followed me everywhere. She was a well-known entity around the town. One day she and I were cruising a neighborhood street. A little boy whom I did not know came running out to greet her. His mom called out, “Don’t touch that dog, it might bite you.” Without missing a step he called back, “That’s ‘Noopy! ‘Noopy won’t bite me.”

Unfortunately Snoopy’s freedom ended when our town instituted a leash ordinance. Dad and I set up a wire run where we could attach her leash. She was miserable. And so was I, having to travel on my purple Schwinn® Stingray without her alongside. Consequently, after much thought, we loaded her up and drove to my Grandfather’s property about 125 miles north. The two of them became the best of friends. My Grandfather swore Snoopy could understand his every word, and that she, in her own language, conversed with him. She lived the last years of her life very happily. She remained an outside dog cruising the pastures and nearby homes until her peaceful death at a ripe old dog age.

While I’ve had many dogs in my life, Snoopy and two others have had the most impact. Freckles came along as part of our daughter’s fifteenth birthday. Freckles was a liver and white Springer Spaniel. We met her in Youngstown, Ohio when she was six weeks old. Love at first sight is an understatement. She was with us for over 13 years in three states. She was a wonderful family dog, but she and my wife Becky were inseparable, and ridiculously close friends. Like Snoopy, she was always glad to see you. Heck, you could leave the room, come back, and her sweet little tail would wag like you’d been gone for days. Her passing impacted us so that we haven’t ventured another dog since.

However, we’ve been blessed with a third sweet spirit. BB is our daughter’s pup. He is a 13 year old Yorkie Terrier, and blessedly, because our daughter is temporarily living with us, we get to share in the cuddly love this little 7 pound pup offers throughout each day. He just walked in to check on me as I type this.

“Reality cannot be controlled, but it can be lived fully, or it can be unsuccessfully avoided in fear. Animals are the masters of living and dying fully.” —Martin Prechtel

I begin an essay on compassion with these three dogs, three beautiful spirits, because of what is obvious to me; unconditional love — free compassion and present gentleness.

Gentle Disclaimer
Being gentle with self, quieting the thoughts (allowing them to float on by), and with tenderness touching one’s own spirit, is the way to gentleness with others. At the same time, gentleness with another is also beautiful support of gentleness with one’s own being.

“A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.” —Agent K (Men in Black, 1997)

I lose my balance on the wire of thin tolerance for what I believe is stupid. This usually occurs  upon hearing opinionated words issuing from narrow thinking and identification with one group or another. Such is the reason that, for many years, I’ve focused my efforts on the individual. One group or another can only accomplish good and right things when made up of individuals who act on what is good and right for them to do.

I began writing this essay and then stalled. What stopped me was self-judgment, a self-assessment of my level of compassion. I didn’t see myself as a compassionate individual. Eventually I called BS. I am compassionate. Like anyone, I often let opinions and feelings get in the way of how my compassion shows itself. But when it comes down to it, when the rubber meets the road, I act on what I know is good and right for me to do — what is good and right from the core of my Trueness. What I’ve realized over time is that what I’ve failed to notice is the compassionate flow. Compassion comes from the inside and expresses itself externally in gentleness.

A Compassionate Sphere
I come to this essay months since the one previous. I really have no words, but here I continue regardless. I suppose I arrive here with frustration, and other feelings. About what? I really don’t know. Yes, specific things could I name, but in reality I know such things are products, creations, of a deeper something at play. So I must let go of the things and sit with the energy behind it all.

This energy doesn’t have a name, and I will not assign it one. Naming is a distraction and allows one to be pulled away by the feelings. Feelings are reactions to emotions that are brought about by the story in which one is trapped. I’m not sure if this is helping or not. Maybe it doesn’t have to. Maybe writing this is simply part of sitting with the energy. Yes, there are world events and issues, and conditions in our country that are concerning, but they are not any cause of my own uneasiness. I take complete and full responsibility for this dis-ease in my spirit. And I pray for ease.

Becky and I were coming home from a pandemic-get-out-of-the-house outing, driving home via the beautiful Natchez Trace that runs right by our neighborhood. I was looking straight ahead as I drove, seeing a paved Parkway curving through lovely land and beautiful trees declaring the season. It occurred to me all this was built, and made, on a sphere suspended in the space of a galaxy, itself spinning and moving within a great Universe. Followed by a thought of how stupid we as humans behave on this tiny round speck in a grand Universe — a magnificent, sprawling territory of infinite possibility; possibility squandered by our lack of ability to see miraculous beauty and endless opportunity.

Quiet Energy
Silence, I’m learning, is a spiritual energy critical to truly let go—releasing the grip I have on old ways of thinking and old thinking’s grip on me. The story now in control is one of grace. Yes, the story now in control is one of grace, not old storylines from either early childhood or false teaching along the way. In this story of grace is the strength of compassion, a gentle, loving-kindness shown to self and therefore to another. It is hard to give to another what you don’t hold for yourself. This is a basic principle behind all my work and writing of the last twenty years.

Stepping back, as it were,
one by one,
letting go of things,
bit by bit,
enjoying the silence.

But in the quiet, in the beginning,
of stepping away,
a constant hum noticed.
It’s insistence not ignored,
nor persistence pursued.

Now for some time, silence operates
just above the steady, vibrating hum;
like the low song of cicadas early
on a Mississippi morning.

And now realizing, thanks to
a collaborative heart of friendship,
the hum is recognized rhythm;
the heartbeat of who I am.

Further realized
in the rhythm
compassion, love
for oneself,
and all, as one.

I pray I will no longer hope (wait) for a reality other than the one that is. I pray I can learn peace in the moment, a peace that allows me to stand in the space of reality, with the energy present in and with each opportunity. I’m a stellar listener—to other people. But I must be a stellar listener to opportunity presented in any given moment. It is such opportunity, that when truly heard, informs what action I must take, what I must do, even if that is nothing. Then, to let that go, and move on. All this in love. That is my prayer.

“The basic ground of compassionate action is the importance of working with rather than struggling against.” —Pema Chodron

When one does what is good and right, gently informed by one’s Trueness, and places such action into the flow, this becomes a demonstration of trust. This is a challenging level of trust, a level that says you are okay with maybe never even knowing the outcome of your action.

If I Could See the Wind

The movement
of things invisible,
if my eyes could see,
present amazement
I might behold.

But truth, if known,
and visible the movement
of all things now seen,
the fears I carry,
heavier made
by the new things
that would be exposed.

And now seeing,
most likely
I’d step aside,
dodging the unknown
now made known,
missing the blessing
of these things
once blowing
right through me.

Notes:

Prechtel, Martin. The Smell of Rain on Dust: Grief and Praise. Berkeley: North Atlantic Books, 2015. (P. 129)

Men in Black. Directed by Barry Sonnenfield, Columbia Pictures, 1997. Film.

Chodron, Pema. Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion. Boulder: Shambhala Publications, 2018. (P. 54, #48, Slogan: Change Your Attitude, But Remain Natural)

 

Fading: A Participation Essay

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On November 1st, I began writing in a new journal. It was my 65th birthday. In that entry I wondered what might this number mean for my writing? More depth? Expanding reality? Ever closer movement into the walk with simplicity and love and contemplation? I hope yes to each question, and more.

Withdraw to Give Way
“Commitment to healing oneself and making a commitment to liberation for self, others, and the world is an essential part of spiritual transformation.” —Michael Lerner

While I may not feel it, I know my work as Coach of authentic confidence has been about spiritual transformation; for myself, others, and therefore for, and in, the world through those individuals with whom I’ve had the privilege to work. What will this year bring in light of this work? I don’t know. As this is the year of my official, full retirement (according to government and societal norms), at least I can know a bit more freedom with what can possibly come this way. And, grateful I will receive.

In one way, 65 was a long time coming. Yet, in another view, it got here far too fast. But it’s here, this number, this thing known as sixty-five; with all its implications and societal assumptions. What shall I do with it? What might I allow? I suppose I’m going to find out, one moment at a time. I am determined to learn to be more present, in the presence.

In the peace of this frosty
November morning light,
consciously I keep a commitment;
to presently sit in grace,
with gracious heart.
Mindful am I, at this age,
of journeying, and more
present I’ve become to
the traveling itself, in
grace and gratitude allowing
a pure light on remembering;
for what was, thankfulness
for what is, gratitude.

It has been six months since my last essay. This is the longest period I’ve gone between compositions in over ten years. Yet, I know that writing is not done with me. Part of the allure to composing this particular essay has to do with this being, and turning, 65. I need to explore something I’ve been feeling at this turning; a fresh and powerful permission. I need to get a better understanding through expression, and go from there. Sounds like writing.

Still I wonder if there’s much left for me in this work. Well, not really. Here’s what I mean: I find myself in a sort of withdrawing mode—I’ve been here before due to frustration and feeling ignored. But this is different. To be blunt, I just want to be left alone … and, not really.

I no longer have energy for all the exposure that we now seem to believe is all important; LinkedIn®, Twitter®, Facebook®, Instagram®, etc. Even the email messages I’ve been good at sending to keep top-of-mind status with past clients have dropped off the radar. But I still love each Coaching session and each individual in each of those sessions. So, whatever is left for me to do, or whatever is next for me to do, will present itself to me. I trust.

The Soul Hears
In my book, Participation: Falling in Love with Reality, I defined contemplation as “Compassion for oneself and all as one.” I know two forces for this participation. They are Trueness and Forgiveness. For many years I’ve contemplated the journey to the true self, a journey to simplicity and truth of what has always been present; one’s Trueness. Is the true self complex or simple? Is it complicated or easily understood? Here’s what I do know; we tend to make most everything in life and living too hard, and this brings me to total forgiveness.

Forgive and Forget:
Forgetting what lies behind.
Forgive and Remember:
Letting go while also knowing it all belongs to reality, the reality of the unfoldment of now.
Forgive and Act:
With all knowledge in the fullness of now, acting in and with love, always.

“Let love alone speak …” — Thomas Keating

I’ve always been comfortable in and with silence. Now, in these days of life, I desire silence more than ever. For it is only silence that speaks clearly. And, it must be that it is in silence where love is best heard. For only in silence can one remain still long enough to listen. In such stillness listening is active in its purest sense. The soul hears.

And now a time, a presence
filled with less talk, less words,
trusting silence, imbued
by love, to speak volumes
—from poem, Voluminous Silence

In the midst of this all, I am reminded that my most virulent anger has always been directed at myself. So, I must truly learn to act from self-compassion. So I commit to the steadiness, the silent stability, and power of let love alone speak.

“Surrender to the unknown marks the great transitions of the spiritual journey. On the brink of each new breakthrough there is a crisis of trust and love.” —Thomas Keating

Clearly I now know that I must release everyone from my selfish (and culturally learned) Pet Peeves. I must completely free myself from the false self’s expectations; requirements placed on self and others that don’t mean one damn thing. Expectations are of no value. Fr. Richard Rohr says that expectations are simply disappointments waiting to happen. Several years ago I watched an interview with Drew Barrymore where she said that expectation was the mother of deformity.

It just may be that I am now ready to not care, to truly be free to walk slowly and steadily, to speak thoughtfully only, and to be so comfortable with silence that I seek it and cherish its empowering presence.

“Or, be choked in the sediment of society, so tired of the world, here will your hard doubts disappear, your carnal incrustations melt off, and your soul breathe deep and free in God’s shoreless atmosphere of beauty and love.” —John Muir

What Remains
On a recent trip to our state’s coastline with the Gulf of Mexico, I sat one morning in the light of a wonderful sunrise and journaled. I wondered at the Live Oak tree
between me and the rising sun. How old it must be. How it enhanced the view. The memories it could share. I’m not as old, and I know not as wise, but such a tree encourages my own sharing from the experience of years banked in my memories. Whether or not I may be able to immediately recall one, each memory is there waiting to be used for good in this world. This I must remember.

Like a treasured photo or painting, memories tend to fade, especially when consistently exposed to the direct light of life and living. While there occasionally may be a way to enhance a memory, one can always hope that, although faded, what remains visible is the good and right.

Is the work done? Is the work done with me? Am I done with the work? If it is not done with me, or I it, then what is it? What does it become? What must it become? I capture this questioning from some recent walks. The only answer that has come to me so far says that the work must care for itself, that I must care for myself, and the two may meet again somewhere down the path.

Notes:

Brunson, Jeff. The World Needs You: Selected Verse−Contemplation, Poetry, Love. Ohio: Soul Publishing Group, 2017. (Poem, P. 75)

Keating, Thomas. The Daily Reader for Contemplative Living: Excerpts from the Works of Father Thomas Keating, O.C.S.O. (compiled by S. Stephanie Iachetta). New York: Continuum, 2007.

Highland, Chris. Meditations of John Muir: Nature’s Temple. California: Wilderness Press, 2001. (p., 77, Soul Breathe Deep)

Rhythm: A Participation Essay

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I crave the creative process of learning, and converting such knowledge into practice; a practice of what I do that is then taken by the individual and converted into his/her own authentic practice. This honors my own living methodology of gather, give, and grow (a rhythm honored in the intersection of my desire and my intent). My Desire & Intent is that you lovingly lead others to their own authentic confidence as you embrace the power of who you are and act on your Trueness.

The collision of the desire for you to embrace the power of who you are, and the intent for you to lovingly lead others to do the same, delivers me into the creative tension of how I do what I do. All I do flows through the creative and tense portal of my belief that I can encourage your confident Trueness. This is the energy of balance, my own unique rhythm. This is my Trueness acted upon. The tension is creative as I operate, holding the desire driving me out, and the intent drawing me forth.

“To rely on its own personal experience or knowledge would be a disaster for the butterfly. Instead it finds itself surrounded by voices of the past, of the other insects, of the wind and the rain and the leaves of the trees.” –Thomas Berry & Brian Swimme

What is Rhythm?
It was approximately 15 years into my management career when my manager’s boss made the unfortunate request. Somewhere along the way, and somehow within his less than logical manner with observation, he appreciated the way the team I was leading seemed to work well together; they certainly got good results and contributed positively to organizational outcomes. However, the unfortunate tone of his request, made to my manager’s peers, was in his word selection. In essence he said, “Tell your managers to be more like Jeff and build a good team like his.”

Such a command was not at all supportive of the relationship I desired with my peers. While the quality of his intention was lacking, the quality of his observation was good. My team was indeed excellent. The excellence was because the team was made up of committed, dedicated, and focused individuals. Naturally I felt I needed to respond to such feedback passed along to my peers. I simply shared with them what I knew as fact; the individuals in my care never heard me use the words team or teamwork. I had by that point seen those words used, overused, and misused for too often and too much for my level of buzzword tolerance. Instead, I gave my energy to building up each individual based on authenticity, what I now know as Trueness. I knew such a collective of individuals, focused together, would produce what should only be seen as outcomes: teamwork and being a team.

While I didn’t realize fully what I was doing back then in light of rhythm, I was conscious of the fact that I couldn’t help but encourage those in my care. Now I know encouragement as both the strength of my voice and the energy created by the rhythm given me. Rhythm is one’s unique methodology informing individual participation in the flow. Rhythm helps one feel, hear, and see Trueness (in self and others). Rhythm is the dance of human and divine. Rhythm is present and opens one to presence itself.

Although I wish I could remember precisely when and where, it really doesn’t matter how I came to my commitment to the individual. It may have begun with a basic belief grounded in the flow of the internal to the external. What I know is that it grew into a methodology of leading that made sense to me, at the deepest level. This commitment has allowed me abundant opportunity to live my rhythm, and to further ground my energy in something else I know; if an individual acts from Trueness−living her or his own rhythm−then this person is a leader. Our world so needs this leadership to come alive in each person, as much as individually possible for the collective good.

We must individually come to know the mystery of authentic integrity, not as something to be solved, but as something to be held, observed, and released into the flow of our Trueness. Now flowing, in authentic rhythm, integrity becomes the way your Trueness shows in the world. It takes great love to nurture and honor the internal to external flow.

“Even at the level of elementary particles we find this irreducible reality of the individual. The universe, in protecting the viability of an elementary particle, works to assure the particle of its place, of its role in the unfolding story.” –Berry & Swimme

Rhythm of Being
Commitment to one’s own Trueness begins the flow that unfolds into all productive, collective accountability. Trueness honors the uniqueness of each individual as the power to make the collective whole. It may seem that flow and rhythm are the same thing. They are, and they’re not. I speak of flow in the larger sense, that of which we are all a part. I speak of rhythm in a personal manner, that cadence within, given since the beginning, and key to knowing how we join the flow.

“Human being is not about an external command or a directive mandate, but about an internal destiny and constitutive identity. If we fail our identity and destiny, wouldn’t the result be human consequence rather than divine punishment?” –John Dominic Crossan

Working one-on-one with leaders, building individual confidence, has taught me much. These many individuals, through the generosity of their unique trust, opened me to what I’ve been teaching, and so desire to continue teaching, about rhythm. I teach about rhythm because I want the individual to know the journey makes sense, as it is traveled with conscious presence. I teach rhythm so the individual can be aware, focused, and loving on her/his journey, and in the larger cadence. I teach rhythm so the individual may lead in a needy world−leading from the authentic rhythm given since the beginning. I teach rhythm as a way to teach love−love for the individual’s work and love in his/her work−and how such love is profitable, not a business strategy but a way of living Trueness, embracing the larger cadence of the individual’s desire, intent, and resulting creative tension.

Rhythmic Impact
The Impact needed in this world must come from those who have learned to be then do. In any situation, ask yourself what you most desire. The substance of the matter−the truth you need−is right there with you. The substance is in who you are much more than in what you think you might need to do. Both be and do are important. If you feel the tension in the meeting of what you desire and what you intend, then you are standing in the right place. Your most powerful stand, as an individual, is not some future vision (although a necessary tool). Your stand is in the reality of the present. The 21st Century belongs to the aware, focused, and loving individual. A narrow focus, guided by desire, broadens intended impact and gives you a present place to stand. A focused individual has a method.

Impact,
is Trueness practiced.
Impact,
is in the flow of being to doing.

In too many organizations, of any kind, it doesn’t take long to observe behaviors of unhealthy competition, selfishness, and downright nasty interaction. We cannot focus properly on any larger collective mission when such energy is being wasted internally. It is the same for us as individuals. We cannot develop externally what we are not developing internally.

“When we operate from our essence life becomes drastically different. We find that ‘everything belongs’ (even the delusions of mind that brought us here!) and we learn to tune into the silence which we are, and there, is where we find personal peace. There is no agenda there, in this vast space, and the consciousness that you actually are. There is only truth.” –Mayra Porrata, TheFlourishingWay.com

When an individual is acting from the truth of Trueness, the path to impact is negotiated with the loving and mysterious movement of providence. In so many situations the pressure we feel is the shaping touch of a loving and providential hand. Change, one then another, assures we, as individuals, have ample opportunities for alterations, momentary modifications in doing which serve a transforming being.

Trueness
Who one is since the beginning is already present, with colors and hues on an original palette, simply waiting to be stroked into present being by the dance and dialogue of artist and canvas.

The world needs us to come alive as individuals. The world needs our truth, our authentic confidence, and our love. Is your voice flowing in your work? Are you doing work in a way that frees the love represented in your voice? Trueness honors the uniqueness of each individual as the power to make the collective whole. When you finally commit to lead, influence, and serve from the rhythm of your Trueness, you can grasp the reality that there is no priority higher than that of your love.

Finally, a reference back to my rhythm of gather, give, and grow. I recently sent a message to a few valued clients, those for whom much work has been shared through many years. I was letting them know of both the value I hold for our relationship and that I was taking some time in the last part of the year to reflect a bit. Here is the response from one of them:

“I was happy to read that you were taking some time to reflect on what you have accomplished and where you’ve been. You have touched a lot of people over the years and no doubt helped them all. The tools of your trade are internal / interpersonal things like communication, faith, trust, experience, and things of that nature. They recharge and strengthen differently than technical, physical and vocational skills. I’d call it processing and composing, not time off. No doubt you’ll hit 2020 better than ever.” –Kevin

I remain grateful for both spirit and opportunity that seem to consistently roam the surface and depth of experience, assuring this individual particle of his place and role in the unfolding story. 

Notes:

Berry, Thomas, and Swimme, Brian. The Universe Story: From the Primordial Flaring Forth to the Ecozoic Era –a Celebration of the Unfolding of the Cosmos. New York: Harper Collins, 2015. (pp. 42 & 52)

Brunson, Jeff. In the Middle with Trueness: The Transforming Resonance of a Leader. Ohio: Soul Publishing Group, 2017. (Chapter One & Seven)

Crossan, John Dominic. How to Read the Bible and Still Be a Christian: Struggling with Divine Violence from Genesis through Revelation. New York: Harper Collins, 2015. (p. 112)

Porrata, Mayra. TheFlourishingWay.com – Ohio: Copyright © 2019 Mayra Porrata, LLC. (Truth has no agenda. Post from August 29, 2019)

Reflective: A Participation Essay

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At this juncture there’s one thing for sure about some particular things within my own experience, I no longer believe what I once believed. And as I enter each reflective time and each contemplative stance, I find each belief challenged down to the bottom, either reaching a base revealing falseness or a ground of being with truth.

More than forty years since the conversation, and I’ve carried his statement with me through these years. It was after a community sunrise Easter service, and a few of us were delaying departure and talking. The exact topic evades memory. One of the participants was an elderly and wise African-American pastor. At the end of the conversation, he made the statement, “I don’t understand all I know about that.”

From my very origin I was given a strength to go deep into things of interest to better understand them. As I’ve noted before in my writing, this strength of understanding can be easily overused, becoming an equal limitation if I’m not paying careful attention to the required balance with other core strengths. This gift will continue to serve me well if I allow the protective questions; inquiries that ground me in truth.

To believe something is to hold a certain level of sureness about that something, or at least a hopeful view that there is some truth worthy of one’s energy. However, such sureness can often be completely formed on feelings; responses that may or may not be based on reality. To know something requires one to go further, more in the direction of real trust built on the foundation of both observation and experiential inquiry. We have to do the work. I’m not posturing believing against knowing or knowing against believing. More appropriately, I’m expanding on a flow of process and methodology, from believing to knowing. Beliefs determine how one behaves. Knowing grounds one. Both are important. My beliefs evolve and my knowing grows. And I don’t understand all I know about that.

Contemplation of the Work; to this Moment
In my Essay on Sustenance, I identified purpose as a sustaining force in my years thus far, and that I had entered a six month period of contemplating this work to which I’ve been led. I’m one month into such contemplation; openness to what has been and what is yet to be. One of the questions firing off this time is this: Over the past twenty years, how has my work, me, and me in the work, evolved? In addition, I must surely ask, What beliefs are being challenged in order to be grounded into a more real truth? Do I believe that my work has had an impact on the individuals with whom I love to work? Here’s what I know; I love what I do, and those for whom I do it, and I know I’m good at it.

Yes, I love the individuals with whom I work, and I want to continue to be available along their journey into and with Trueness as they live and lead from their unique rhythm. So in this contemplative space, I must confidently live the questions.

This work somewhat quickly became different than originally envisioned. My vision was more in the sights of consulting. But I suspect the more I brought myself into it (Trueness), it became coaching; whether working one-on-one or with a group. From the beginning however, I was driven by a commitment to the individual, to the internal to external flow, and to the individual to collective flow. Along with this, and because of my commitment to the individual (not to mention the practicality of building a practice), I focused what I do on the individual leader. What this looked like was a brief statement, that in essence, answered the question, What do you do? My answer; I Build Confident Leaders. This was more than just a way of answering this kind of ‘dinner party’ question. For me it became the focus of my energy, my interest-to-energy connection; an energy that guided my choices and decisions as I did the work and allowed both process and methodology to evolve.

“All human occupations and professions must themselves be expressions of the universe and its mode of functioning. This is especially true of what came to be known as religion, for the term religion and the term universe are somewhat similar in their meaning. Both are derived from the Latin, and both have to do with turning back to unity. Religion, re-ligare, is a binding back to origin. Universe, or universa, is a turning back of the many to the one. Earlier peoples seem to have understood this.” –Thomas Berry

Reflecting on the work thus far, it becomes clear that there was something in my belief system that pushed/pulled me into this work. Was it purpose? For me, probably. I believed I had something unique, or at a minimum something missing, for those individuals with whom I worked at the time. So, before I knew I would become a coach, I coached. In truth, all I did was encourage. And I don’t understand all I know about that.

Building Confident Leaders
This statement represents my purpose as a coach, what I do, and just may be where the center of all evolution (unfolding) may lie. Certainly this purposeful focus has served me well. It has held Trueness and practicality together for me, and has held me in the work. My Trueness has been held by the confident, as my voice of Love and its strength of Encouragement were put to work in the building. While at this moment, leaders seems to be the piece most in question as I move forward, it is the piece that provided practical, tangible focus, allowing the intangible portion of what it is that I do, and represent, to become real for the individual for whom I do it.

My process/methodology is impactful. I was blessedly reminded of this recently when. in one day, two coaching clients each spoke to the value experienced in our work together, the presence we’ve thus far shared. There was a time when such comments were received and acknowledged by a too-quick, Thank You. Thanks to much guidance from valued colleagues I now allow such unsolicited feedback to soak in deeply.

Do I still want to encourage? Yes. Can it be called by another name? Yes. It already also has that name: Love. Just by the nature of encouragement, confidence is honored. I do recognize here that confidence is built by action. So then, maybe it’s encouragement focused on the Trueness of the individual that facilitates action that is good and right for the person and those they impact by their unique presence.

“Now that we are no longer bound by the constraints of probability, we must face the fact that we have a responsibility to own what’s possible. Opportunity abounds. And that’s both a scary and empowering thought. The onus to create the future we want to see for ourselves and others is on us. We get to own the story we want to live and tell.” –Bernadette Jiwa

To know fully the reality of the freedom we possess in how we are in our life and living is at the same time encouraging and discouraging; as we see possibility and feel the missed opportunities. It may seem that work is the most important thing in my life and living. This is not true at all. Working, in a general sense in our society, consumes upwards of two thirds of one’s waking hours; if you add to the time in the tasks the commute to and from for so much of the population. Work is a place where we can discover the opportunity to ‘play out’ who we are, or where we sadly avoid being who we truly are. Besides all this, I write to you about work not because I want you be successful in some occupation, but rather I want you to know your Trueness in a calling; a way of being that is true wherever you are and with whatever you do.

Back to evolution, specifically as it applies to my own true unfolding. It seems, as I also consider process and methodology, that process and methodology have evolved as I have. More real than ever, who I am has become inextricably linked to what I do, ever wanted to do, had to do. And I don’t understand all I know about that.

Notes:

Berry, Thomas. Evening Thoughts: Reflecting on Earth as Sacred Community. San Francisco: Sierra Club, 2006. (p. 114)

Jiwa, Bernadette. TheStoryofTelling.com – Melbourne, Australia: Copyright © 2017 Bernadette Jiwa. (The Bounds of Possibility. Post from August 2, 2019)

Sustenance: A Participation Essay

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One by one the seeds of a false self die, each falling into the blessed soil of Trueness and sprouting forth into Universal Reality. Much of what comprises the false self (or ego, if you prefer) is from what we have experienced, and what we have experienced, in truth, serves valid purpose, if we but allow it to be so. If any part of this experienced self becomes bad, it is probably when the time to let go of some particular event or situation is past and one finds himself/herself holding on.

Life is full of crosses to bear, junctures of this and that; what once seemingly worked meeting the call of a new direction – one we most likely resist, at least at first introduction. For me personally, I find myself at a juncture of sorts, at the crossroads of love and presence. It’s a place where I’m being asked to consent to true compassion. What does this mean? What does this look like? Interestingly, it’s a compassion that begins with self.

I’m no youngster, and I am still learning daily about letting go. More and more I’m understanding that the reality of possibility can only become truth when I let go of each dead seed of the falseness that no longer serves the true self; allowing each seed to now draw from the richness of Trueness.

Holding Tender all that is Past
After completing the essay preceding this one, I sat for a bit to see if I might receive some vibe as to what should follow. For some reason sustenance was what came to me. As I began to write I found myself asking if this was about sustaining Trueness. Yes? No? Or just maybe? Yes, and not only about sustaining Trueness, but so much more: the last many months being very challenging to both my strength and my stamina as a physical, emotional, spiritual being. It has been difficult balancing energy required internally and externally during the transitions of the last few years.

As I worked on the introductory paragraphs to this essay, I sat in an old house where a friend named Cindy grew up, now a coffee shop. Looking out the shop window, I was vividly reminded that right in my view was the very small complex where BJ and I had our first apartment. I loved this little place, and I still love it. It seems almost unchanged in all these years, albeit very well maintained. Such a memory is somehow very sustaining, fact and feeling working together for the good of my spiritual strength and stamina.

BJ and I have been partners in everything we’ve been through. It is as important as ever that we continue this commitment to partnership and Trueness. It is also important to reestablish a sense of community for our individual selves and our part in serving the collective whole.

“Indeed, we cannot be truly ourselves in any adequate manner without all our companion beings throughout the Earth.” –Thomas Berry

A recent commitment has allowed me to work with some very pleasant individuals. One of them is a 25 year old man, husband, father of two boys and a girl on the way. Near the end of one particular workday, he and I were standing and talking together. He was sharing with me about his work schedule and how little time he felt he had with his beautiful wife and children. I listened, and then I shared the following: It all goes by very, very fast. Do the best you can to slow it all down by simply being as present as you can. If he can succeed even a little bit with such presence he will have very little to regret. He will be able to hold the past tenderly because he held as best he could the many opportunities of love and presence with conscious tenderness.

Allow me to reflect on what Trueness is:

Who one is since the beginning is already present, with colors and hues on an original palette, simply waiting to be stroked into present being by the dance and dialogue of artist and canvas.

Sustaining
In his intriguing book, Thank God for Evolution, Michael Dowd speaks about day language and night language. I realized how this seemed to equate to what I’ve long referred to in my writings as external and internal (day language/night language); or, the necessary balance of tangible and intangible.

In the soil of Trueness, the self finds the nourishing balance needed beyond the basics of survival and safety. One can truly know the why of all contemplation and each conscious action. For me personally, Trueness is what was given from the beginning. Trueness also must include all that has been a part of my evolution to this point. Nothing is lost. Everything is used.

“This way of perceiving is transformational and empowering. ‘The Universe can be trusted’ is a very useful belief. When I act as if all things work together for the good of those who love Reality and are called to serve a higher purpose, I love my life! What more could I want?” –Michael Dowd

Beyond the basics of survival and safety, what sustains you? For me, I know it’s Purpose; it always has been. Even way back when, after my first year out of the university, I was recruited into life insurance sales where I leveraged my propensity to study, combined what I learned with my desire to ‘sell purposefully’ to those who would become clients, and became the rookie of the year in that company’s territory. The why behind this drive of Purpose is the strength of my voice, Encouragement. To encourage  another is the one thing I cannot help but do when my voice is in flow. As I composed this essay I realized that the glue holding together purpose and strength is, for me, compassion.

I still hold a definition for contemplation I expressed in my book, Participation: It is compassion for oneself, and all, as one. My mom was a deeply compassionate spirit. She taught me early on how to have compassion for others. Moving back to my hometown after all these years, I am reminded of some of these relationships as a youngster. One in particular lived on a street I drive down quite often as I take a short cut to our house. Andy was a bit different than the normal young boy at the time. We were friends. I don’t remember a lot about what we used to do when we played together, but I do remember something after we entered high school and were both in the band. As freshmen, we were picked on by the older members. And because Andy was not like the rest, he was picked on by fellow freshmen. While I never succumbed to high school peer pressure with drugs, alcohol, or such, I sadly joined the picking on of Andy. I wish I could see him and apologize. With today’s technology and tools, maybe I can track him down and do just that. This possibility reminds me of the life-giving flow of: Forgive Everything; Everything Belongs; See the Unfolding. In the meantime, I will keep taking the short cut home down Andy’s old street and trust he has had a good life.

So, as I’ve worked through this essay on sustenance, I’ve given some practical and meaningful definition to what sustains me beyond the basics. It is super encouraging to me, at this time, to know that compassion has shown itself in the work I’ve made purposeful and in my presence with each individual with whom I’ve been blessed to work, and encourage. I suppose that Trueness has been at work for some time.

Again, Trueness: Who one is since the beginning is already present, with colors and hues on an original palette, simply waiting to be stroked into present being by the dance and dialogue of artist and canvas.

If this is indeed Trueness (night language), then how is it sustained practically and plainly (day language)?

Evolving; Moving Forward
At the time of this writing, we are only four months into this geographical transition back home. For reasons I’ll not go into here, the flow of business didn’t seem to make the transition with us; at least not very well. So I needed to make a decision: keep chasing transactions or step back for a time. I decided to step back. Based on where I am in life, and work, I dedicated the next six months to contemplating the work and what it is now asking of me.

Thankful I am to be reminded of not only how important Purpose is to me in my Trueness, but how it has practically worked for all my adult life. Don’t get me wrong, there were times of straying, conforming to the particular machine of the moment. I was never successful in truth during such times. The practicality of Purpose pulled me back, giving me ample opportunity to encourage others, furthering the realness of compassion.

So yes, I’ve set aside both time and energy for contemplating where I am now, who I am in this work, and who I yet want to be in doing what it is that I do. One of the realities of the work I’ve done thus far is that I will not in this lifetime know the consequent influence and/or impact my work has had on each individual. I’ve come to be at peace with this reality.

“I am now a sower of life I will not see with these eyes. And I am committing to creating a community of sowers who can let go and let our work and intentions and someday impact be received by all that is.”
–Dan Roller

As I contemplate where now I am, what this work now asks of me, I must bring into the process the trust and faith of the sower, whose actions are energized by Trueness, my unique art.

Trust the Mystery

The mystery of impact,
a paradox hard to hold,
being who I am
doing what I do,
to what end?

The answer held truly
by the one, herself
by the one, himself
read aloud in their own lives.

In the theater of my life,
I stand somewhere between
the second and final acts,
scenes replaying and lovingly teaching.

Youth now walks behind me,
but deserted me it has not.
Its diligence dutiful and due,
its design served adequately.

From the words of life & living,
a manuscript evolving,
my impact unfolding in the chapters,
written by others
finally by me being read.

And read I do
often and openly.
no longer hiding,
impact embracing,
the mystery holding,
the mystery holding me.

Notes:

Berry, Thomas. Evening Thoughts: Reflecting on Earth as Sacred Community. San Francisco: Sierra Club, 2006. (p. 33)

Dowd, Michael. Thank God for Evolution: How the Marriage of Science and Religion Will Transform Your Life and Our World. New York: Plume, 2009. (p. 58)

Roller, Dan. What I Choose to See Blog: Sower – June 24, 2019

Spacious: A Participation Essay

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My years of study, and consequent writing, have led me into contemplation; a space of being with something long enough to begin to see a bit differently than conditioned.

One particular area of broader seeing is that of selflessness. I am often compelled to encourage an individual leader to not think of our time together as selfishness; taking time away from those he/she leads and serves. Instead I ask that they see our time as selfless, making themselves better for those led and served through work emerging from application and practice in Trueness.

“Practice is standing in the flow, whereas theory and analysis observe the flow from a position of separation.”–Richard Rohr

Need for Retreat
As of this writing, fifteen years have passed since she took retreat in our then hometown in the mountains. Sheri and I first met when I transferred to an operational data center in Ohio. She eventually became the educational liaison for my division, and by that time had become a good friend. Even though she retired a few years back, and it has been quite some time since we worked together, anytime I hear the term Servant Leader, I still think of Sheri. In her work, and in my experience of her, I’ve never known anyone in the corporate environment so selfless.

While I had been wanting for some time to lead a retreat for leaders in that little Tennessee town in the mountains, Sheri actually requested something specifically for herself and one key, important direct report (himself a powerful example of service). At that time, she was leading the team focused on personal growth and development; the very team that she and I had dreamed of and then worked together to form. The subsequent retreat included structured exercises with me as Coach, and some solitary, reflective time.

In preparation for retreat I asked them each to come with expectations based on a preliminary understanding of what we might do, together and individually. My method with most anything I do as a Coach/Consultant is to be prepared with structure: Methodology to assure a Client they are in good, experienced, and loving hands. However, this is what I know: No matter the structure/plan, things will unfold differently once you’re face-to-face (or voice-to-voice) with the individual, or a group of individuals.

Giving Way
Many of my fondest memories in my corporate life are those with Sheri. What I learned about her, as well as from her, is a form of selflessness rooted in a way of being that is about giving away. It is giving away, freely and actively, directed assistance to individual need, and doing so from love. In the process, it can also become giving a way, freely and actively assisting in a manner that teaches and transfers to the one served strength and energy for the journey.

The team we cofounded in those corporate days together was one focused solely on the growth and development of the individuals and teams in our care. In our work together – in being with her, and she with me – it seems she had a knack of grounding me in the reality of a given moment. As such, she opened a space to be at peace with what is. Only then could we, individually and together, move with both freedom and action toward what was good and right for the situation or circumstance.

We are always a giving, a resonance, never a possession of our own.
–from The Divine Mirror, a meditation by Richard Rohr

I honestly don’t remember what Sheri expected as she came into retreat, beyond maybe some personal inspiration and/or a bit of rejuvenation. But I do remember that as we began the retreat, I asked for a picture (depiction) of who each felt they were in the eyes of others (a brand visual, if you will). Then at the end, I asked them to adjust that visual with any insight from the time in retreat. I wanted to leverage some sort of measurement that would be meaningful to the retreat participant, not the usual survey (what Sheri always called “A Smile Sheet”).

While I don’t have her visual depiction, I do have her comments from the close of retreat:

Going on Retreat was different than anything I’ve ever done because …

“It provided me time in a wonderfully reflective setting to get off the treadmill, relax, reflect and concentrate on myself – my own journey.   I recognized that the self reflection and centeredness will also be of enormous value to my team.

I also came to the realization that it’s not spending time on myself – it’s redirecting the energy management.  For me, that was huge.”

Going on Retreat was a great investment in myself because …

“I’m worth it.  I don’t say that tongue in cheek as had I done this a few years ago I would have felt somewhat guilty.  I ask others to take time for themselves, I need to also.”

I now know I am better equipped to …

“Discipline myself to acknowledge and redirect my energy.
To stay down the ladder (Ladder of Inference – Chris Argyris).
Manage energy and understand that it’s my choice how I use free time but to recognize the time spent in filters.  When I need to spend time/energy on the three team focuses, acknowledge that and do nothing else.

Jeff, this was a wonderful and amazing two days.  It went by too quickly.  In particular, your personal coaching provided me tremendous guidance.  Thank you is just inadequate.”

Do the Work
Sharing these comments is not to boast. I simply invited her into a space; gave her the setting to know the spacious gift of her Trueness. She did the work.

And this is an important message for each of us. We must do the work; the Work of Trueness. You don’t have to earn what you already possess. However, your Trueness is waiting for you to reach down, take its hand, and lead it to freedom.

You are not an uninhabited entity under the control of a mother-ship. You’ve been filled with what you need, from the beginning. This Trueness needs your attention and intention to be freed to do its work in the world; the work of being you. Paradoxically it does take some emptying to be full of this true self. We must let go of the false self that has built up to this certain point, this moment of being asked to now consciously do the work. This doesn’t mean you’ve done it wrong, this thing of life and living. So much of that ‘building up’ was very necessary. It is now no longer useful to you on this journey with Trueness. Bless it and let it go. This is not easy. I guess that’s why we are calling it work.


The Divinely Human Effort

What must I do to earn freedom and space?
Nothing.
What must I know to open and be free?
Everything.
Nothing and everything clash in my middle.
Paradox.

A need to empty, the right to be full.
The work to let go, gift of emptiness.

And now empty, my vision much clearer.
Truly seeing what’s beautifully real.

Reality now rushing in to fill.
Spaciousness given, from the beginning.

Notes:

Rohr, Richard. The Universal Christ: How a Forgotten Reality Can Change Everything We See, Hope For, and Believe. New York: Convergent, 2019. (pp. 222 and 227)

The Ladder of Inference. The Reflexive Loop. From the work of Chris Argyris (July 16, 1923 – November 16, 2013).